Suicide can happen without warning, even when nothing was obviously wrong in someone’s life. Somewhere along the line, he’d decided to end it all. Victor* had a decent job, a comfortable apartment and enough friends to fill his weekends with activities. However, life felt bland, monotonous and inescapable. “I just felt numb,” he says. “I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t enjoying anything.”
When he was alone, those feelings would turn into a constant rumination, manifesting as a single, repeating question: “What if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like?” And, unable to open up to anyone, a dark answer started to emerge. “In that headspace, it felt like there was nothing else: this was it,” he admits. “And I couldn’t deal with another week of it all, let alone years.”
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Plans to take his own life began to take shape. And those plans, gave him comfort, promising an instant release from the cycle he felt trapped in. One day after an unremarkable disagreement with a colleague, he decided the day had come. However, as he arrived home, he was struck by an inexplicable impulse. Victor picked up the phone and called his friend. The pair’s relationship was surface-level, relegated, like many male friendships, to occasional 5-aside football games, drinking and dick jokes.
“But I thought, seriously thought this was the end—so what was the harm in opening up right now,” he says. That phone call saved his life.
Silent Desperation
Victor’s friend wouldn’t go on to become a confidant, or “his rock”, but the catalyst for a new perspective on life. In the space of a five-minute call, where his dumbstruck friend tried to argue him off a cliff, Victor felt an intense relief. He’d spoken the words, the questions and dark answers out loud, and in the air they lost most of their weight.
Opening up is a profound act, which—although terrifying—can be a lifeline when you’re in a dark place, says Sikander Kalla, a Registered Clinical Psychologist and founder of Cohesive Collaboration, a mental health consulting brand. Your head, after all, is an echo chamber.“Men are living lives of silent desperation,” he says. “Our lives are so focused on just simply surviving that we start to lose our purpose and that can leave you feeling hopeless, hollow and disillusioned.”
Those three words sum up Victor’s experience, but he’s just one of many in a sea of faces gritting their teeth and suffering alone. After his phone call, Victor sought out therapy, and together with medication and vocalising his thoughts, he was able climb from his own den of despair. But far more men never make that phone call. In 2020, there were on average 130 deaths by suicide per day. Men made up almost 70% of those deaths, and this figure is expected to continue rising.
However, mental struggles and psychological issues aren’t unique to any particular gender. In fact, according to a Mental Health Foundation report, women are three times more likely to experience common mental health issues than their male counterparts. But women are also far more likely to seek help, or simply just confide in their peers. (At the University of Cape Town, for example, men accounted for less than 25% of those making use of Student Wellness Services.) In stark contrast, research has shown that instead of turning to each other, guys would rather engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs. In short, we’re sweeping our problems under the rug.
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“Hegemonic masculinity—the idea of this stoic, strong, independent man—still dominates our ideas of what it means to be a man,” says Kalla. “Our silence is rooted in that sentiment, and we find it difficult to break the mould.”
Victor says he just didn’t have practice. The idea of discussing his emotions was a foreign concept. He could be angry at the rugby, or flipping his shit at a bad driver on the N2; but to lend words—the type of words he only discovered through therapy—to those abstract feelings weighing him down was like trying to learn a foreign language. “As men, we’re hardwired to seek out practical solutions,” Kalla has noted in his time practising. “But emotions cannot be solved practically. You have to sit in them, process them, normalise them… It’s a constant process of learning and re-learning that requires introspection, discipline and dedication.”
Behind the Numbers
In a bid to understand these disproportionate suicide rates, it’s tempting to explore the causes behind these alarming numbers. However, studies remain divided on the answers. For instance, research published in BMC Psychiatry cited “being single”, “retirement” and “unemployment” as common triggers. For Kalla, this makes sense as they’re all polar opposites of the thriving, successful male archetype that’s still held up as the gold standard.
However, these “trends” are just that, large sweeping answers that gloss over the minutiae of the human mind. After all, some men are contending with serious, diagnosable (often left undiagnosed) mental health issues; chemical imbalances that make them more inclined to lapse into rumination and ultimately suicidal ideation. Others are grappling with their sexuality, falling out with loved ones, left reeling after the death of someone close to them, financial pressures, the list goes on (forever).
“These are truly challenging times,” admits Kalla. “And they call for more resilience than ever before.”
Nicholas Ingel, the owner of Emet Gyms in Joburg, has had his own brush with death. After years of drinking, a habit that started as a form of escape, Ingel says he had dug himself a hole “and couldn’t see the light”. “I’d sit at night with the barrel of a pistol in my mouth,” he says. “I just couldn’t see any other way out.”
Decades down the line, it’s difficult for him to remember those dark days. A long road to rehabilitation later, which sans the spirit-laced coping mechanism that had been his go-to since a teenager, was one of the hardest struggles of his life, but now he has perspective, clarity and—most importantly—purpose.
“In hindsight, it’s never as bad as it seems,” he says. And he knows; he’s sat in a barren apartment room, unemployed with not a single cent to his name in the harsh aftermath of burning bridges with his closest family and friends. That was a sobering reality that could’ve driven him to drink, but something had changed: “I was working on my problems now, taking the smallest steps.”
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And he was talking to people, learning to open up like Victor did. “When you focus on suicide, you narrow your vision, you stop looking for other solutions, other answers,” says Ingel. “But they’re always there.”
The “Glad” Game
One technique that the gym owner credits to saving his life is the “glad” game. It’s a simple concept, but difficult to execute. “You ask yourself, ‘What am I glad for?’, and you list anything that comes to your mind. I’m glad I have ten toes, I’m glad I have my health… And then you expand from there, learning to be grateful for the things you still have.”
Ingel’s new-found vulnerability is a terrifying concept for many men, says Dan Wolf, a registered psychologist and a director at Houghton House, a treatment and rehabilitation group. “There’s this phenomenon where vulnerability is perceived as weakness or incompetence,” he adds.
So instead, men suppress their emotions or rely on other immediately available “support” like alcohol and drugs. Stranding themselves from healthy support systems, these vices offer relief and help men maintain the character they’ve created: someone strong, self-sufficient and, ironically, not needing support. “But when your life is about performance, at some point you fall off the stage,” says Wolf. He argues that men fundamentally misunderstand vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not only usually perceived as a strength by those around you, but can also help deepen the relationships men are so terrified of losing by opening up.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Suicide is a harsh word that conjures the worst images. And for those affected, the families and friends left in the wreckage, there’s little consolation. Just questions, pain and more questions. But for many men, Victor, Ingel (myself included), the word has often offered a way out, a reprieve from the agony of existence, a dismal bright light at the end of a dark tunnel.
In many ways, I could relate with many parts of their stories.My own moment of reckoning came when my almost-eight-year-long relationship fell apart. Unable to open up, I was overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and shame. Silence became my coping mechanism. On that island, the thought of ending my life didn’t seem forbidden — it felt like an easy escape.
It was only through starting a conversation—first with my family, then with a therapist and later my friends—that I started to heal. While it might feel like rehashing the same point, vulnerability is truly what matters most. But taking that leap of faith isn’t easy.
If you’re struggling, a great place to start is by asking whether your current approach is working, says Christine Pienaar, a Registered Counsellor with Mygrow. “It’s difficult to motivate for change if it doesn’t feel necessary. So if someone was scared or uncomfortable about opening up I would begin by asking if keeping silent is leading to a healthy emotional life.”
What are the consequences of maintaining this silence? What are you doing instead of opening up? Are you self-medicating? Are these coping mechanisms going to help you in the long term? Once you start to measure the real risks between sailing on the sea of solitude or sharing your story, you’ll quickly start to find motivation to start the conversation. And talking isn’t just good for you, it’s good for the tribe (or, in modern terms, “the boys”).
“Often it just takes one guy having the courage to ‘go there’ and open up, and the rest will follow,” says Pienaar. “You really have to commit to knowing each other and choose to lean in and ask the hard questions. Don’t settle for the good old, ‘Ja no, I’m fine, hey’. Push past to what is lying underneath. Ask how [your friends] are really doing.”
Through these interviews, talking to people like Ingel and Victor, I experienced a form of therapy, too. Journalistic intent drove the question: “How are you actually feeling?”, and the answers were a reminder of the conversations I should be having every day. It showed me that we keep things surface-level because it’s easy—small talk never rocks the boat. But it also leaves us feeling rudderless and alone with our problems. In isolation, we can trick ourselves into thinking that our problems are unique, but through conversations we can find a sense of place, solidarity and acceptance.
The answer is clear: we need to start talking, whether it’s to a professional, a loved one or a friend. In short, it’s time to pick up the phone.
Create a Crisis Plan
If you’re experiencing distress, it can be difficult to think rationally. In these moments, life can feel overwhelming and hopeless opening the door to drastic decisions. Mapping out your own crisis plan can help you weather these challenging episodes, giving you the coordinates to navigate a challenging situation.
1. Identify the Warning Signs
Are you isolating more? Struggling to stay interested in activities you used to enjoy? Are you trapped in a cycle of rumination or getting irritable with those around you? A proactive approach can help you spot the first signals of an impending problem before it turns into a crisis.
2. Find (Healthy) Coping Mechanisms
Keep a running list of healthy coping strategies that can help give you some breathing room. Taken literally, this could mean practising relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises. Alternatively, music, making art or playing videogames could provide a distraction and help lower your stress levels.
3. Identify Your Support System
Who can you talk to right now? While others might not understand what you’re going through, reaching out can provide comfort—whether that’s speaking to a friend, family member, or even joining a support group like AA. Research has shown that feeling connected (or even better: supported) can dramatically decrease distress.
4. Speak to a Professional
There are plenty of resources for those grappling with mental health struggles. For instance, the South African Depression and Anxiety Group has round-the-clock suicide crisis hotlines for those in desperate need of support. Sites such as the Therapist Directory (therapist-directory.co.za) can help connect you with a mental health professional in your area, too.
Need help? Reach out to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group:
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567
CIPLA Mental Health Helpline: 0800 456 789
Substance Abuse Helpline: 0800 12 13 14
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
**This article originally appeared in Mar/Apr 2023 Issue of Men’s Health SA
