If you’re on the market, you’ve likely heard way too many people wax poetic about the role of body language in dating. But what does it all mean in practice and how the hell can you harness body language to become a magnetic man?
Laurel House, an eHarmony relationship expert and body language coach, is a certified pro at the intersection of dating and body language. She’s made a living helping others become better daters, using the power of body language to help her clients present themselves strongly and read their date’s emotions accurately. And she’s the first to admit body language can be confusing as hell. But it could also be the key to connecting with your match.
If there’s anyone who can help you figure out if a lip bite really means to go for that kiss, it’s House. In an exclusive interview with Men’s Health, here’s what she has to say about the bonkers world of body language—and why it matters when it comes to dating.
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First off, why should we bother paying attention to body language when getting to know someone?
The beginning of dating is an information-collecting period. When we’re getting to know someone, we collect information by having conversations. We ask about their past. We ask about their future goals. But we need to pay attention to body language because our bodies actually communicate a lot. Sometimes our bodies are communicating naturally what we might not want to say. Other times, our bodies are communicating what we’ve trained our bodies to communicate. That’s where it gets a little bit complicated.
How so?
We might be doing things with our bodies that others might read as what we’re subconsciously feeling—but it’s not always that simple. We can get trained from experience or trained because of culture to act a certain way, revealing more about our past experiences than our current emotions. So I might be very into someone, but I may have had an ex who trained me to not be too touchy. Maybe I had an ex who told me that I was always too clingy or who criticised me for playing with my hair or whatever it is. So I was trained to the point of it being ingrained. Just because someone is withholding physically doesn’t mean that is emotionally what they’re feeling.
So what is more important: What someone is consciously saying or what they are subconsciously doing?
At the beginning, it’s all equally important. But a big misconception is that all body language is subconscious. When it comes to harnessing body language, similar to all types of communication, it needs to be intentional and it needs to be purposeful. So one of the things that I always say to my clients is, “Were you on purpose?” Maybe your purpose is to come across as someone who’s super fun, super flirty or maybe your purpose is to come off as someone with a restrained interest in someone. It’s important to have clarity around how you’re feeling, making sure that both your words and your actions align. I always have my clients do constant check-ins: How am I feeling? How are my actions and my words aligning with how I’m feeling?
Does that constant awareness take away some of the romantic spontaneity of dating?
People may say the beginning of dating is all about the heart, but it’s not. I like my clients to date head first. Head first means you have clarity—and that way you’re able to present how you want to present. That doesn’t mean you’re being fake. You’re not fake as long as you are being representative of what you’re actually feeling.
With all that in mind, how do you show you’re interested through the use of body language?
You want to be magnetic. Magnets pull things to them. You want to physically pull them in and emotionally pull someone in. If you’re sitting, one of the ways to pull someone in is to sit back a little bit for a minute. Once they lean in, then you go back in. Now you’re close to them. But once you see that they have come in a little closer, you have to go in close again, or else they’re sitting there alone leaning into you and you’ve leaned back and now they feel stupid. It’s a dance. But it can feel like a spell if you do it correctly.
Are there any other “magnetic” body language cues?
There’s one thing I call the “secret smile.” There’s actually a song by Semisonic and it’s called “Secret Smile” and the lyrics are, “Nobody knows it but you’ve got a secret smile/
And you use it only for me.” But that’s what it is.
The secret smile is what you can use when you are flirting from across the room. So you see someone and you present them with this smile that is for them. You’re not looking at everyone, you’re not smiling at everyone. You’re looking at them, you present them with this smile and then you look away and you take the smile back because you’re not giving everyone the smile. You’re only giving it to the person you’re interested in. It’s a gift.
The secret smile is a little bit askew, slightly to the side. It’s not like the Cheshire Cat. Then it’s creepy. Like, ‘What the fuck is that person doing?’
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What is an odd body language indicator that someone’s actually interested in you?
They start slouching. If you think about it, what do you do when you’re really comfortable? When I’m really comfortable, I slouch. I lean over. I put my elbows on the table. I put my knees up. I get comfortable. And that is an indicator of interest because I’m able to be comfortable with you. I’m not trying too hard anymore.
When it comes to dating, body language experts always talk about mirroring. What the hell is mirroring?
Mirroring is when you do an action and the other person does the action back. So when someone is in a certain position and you replicate their position. Being in the same physical position can make people feel comfortable. But it could also make someone uncomfortable if they start to realise, “Wow, every time I move my position, they move their position.” So you want to do it selectively.
Mirroring is something that is important, but I would say it shouldn’t be the only focus.
OK, so let’s talk specifics: Do people really bite their lips when they want to be kissed?
All people tend to put their hands where they want attention. So you can use that strategically. If I want you to kiss me, I’m going to bite my lip so that your eyes come to my lip. Or I might put my finger on my lip for a second because I want you to see my lip. And I want you to think about my lip and now you’re gonna want to kiss my lip.
Do women really play with their hair as a sign of flirtation?
Some people play with their hair because they’re anxious. It’s a fast-movement activity. Others do it less because they’re playing with their hair and more because they’re trying to draw attention to their neck. So their fingertips might go along their hair and neckline. It’s more like, “Oh, it would be nice for him to kiss me there” or “I can imagine your skin touching my neck.” So it can go either way.
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If someone touches you in a subtle way, like brushing against your knee or touching your arm while they laugh at a joke, does that mean they are interested?
Do that! You need to break what I call the touch barrier on the first date. By breaking the touch barrier, you are crossing the line to their body which allows for a little bit more connection. When you have physical contact, you feel emotionally connected as well. So you’re not going to have your knee pushed up against their knee the entire time, or even for five minutes, or even for one minute. But press your knee against their knee just for a second and see what they do or if they pull their knee back. If they don’t, you could maybe leave it there. If you are comfortable, you can even do it at the beginning and give a hug when you first say hello.
When should you hold someone’s hand?
Usually, holding hands doesn’t occur until you are many dates in—and don’t be offended if someone pulls their hand back when you finally try to hold hands. I have hyperhidrosis, so my hands sweat and I don’t like to hold hands. Trust me, you don’t want to hold my sweaty hand either—and you’re gonna misread this sweaty hand anyway and think it’s because I’m nervous and it’s not. So there’s no universal rule about hand holding.
Since a lot of dating starts out virtually nowadays, how do you harness the power of body language on a dating app?
Your main profile photo should be you looking at the camera, flirting with the camera as if you’re flirting with the person on the other side. Imagine that you are sitting across from the person who’s looking at you on their phone. I like my clients to have photos of them at dinner. Not at dinner with a lot of people, but like you’re sitting across from me at dinner. You might be holding up a wine glass while having eye contact with the camera. When I look at that, I can look into your eyes and I’m imagining a dinner date with you.
When you’re out into the world, what are signs that you notice from couples that indicate they are in sync or have compatibility?
Leaning in. So, they’re leaning in towards each other and have their chairs close to each other. They’re laughing and touching on occasion, like a little hand touch. They are making eye contact, looking at each other like no one else exists. They are in their own bubble of a world. They laugh too loud with each other because they don’t care about what’s happening outside of their bubble. Those are the main signs.
When can body language be misleading?
Body language is often misleading if someone is reserved or shy by nature. So someone may be showing signs of so-called disinterest when really they are just nervous. I have clients all the time who say, “I went on a date with this person and they were leaning back and fidgeting, so I thought they were uninterested.” And I said, “OK, but they still want to go out with you again, right? Maybe they’re just shy. Maybe they’re scared. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they have a history we’re not aware of.”
That’s where it gets really complicated. And that’s why we have to be on purpose. I’ve seen way too many relationship potentials crumble because of assumptions made that were inaccurate. Frequently, it’s because of body language.
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Are there ways to control these misleading body language cues if you notice them in yourself?
To counteract body language cues tied to shyness and insecurity, you have to adopt a new mindset. The attitude to adopt is, “I’m interested to see if I’m interested.” If you’re interested to see if you’re interested, that will banish that fear and insecurity. Because you’re just interested to see if you’re interested—you don’t even know if you are interested yet. So why would you be insecure if you don’t even know if you’re interested?
If you’re interested to see if you’re interested, you’re probably going to lean in a little bit. You may be touching your face sometimes. Cause when someone’s interested in something, that’s what we do. If you are interested to see if you’re interested, then your body language will reflect that interested energy.
How do you remain aware of your body language without letting it consume your attention?
So you have to have clarity and that constant check-in: Do I like this person? Are they saying or doing things that I don’t like? It’s constant—but then we don’t wanna get stuck in our heads. It’s a balance between being present and doing the check-in. Say to yourself, Let me check in to see how I’m feeling and see how they’re acting. OK. Now I’m going to stop with the check-in and go back to being present.
How many dates should you give someone before making a call about their potential?
I always like my clients to go on three dates, unless there are hard red flags at the beginning. I like my clients to also have three non-starters. A non-starter might be smoking or that they don’t want children. If a person has a non-starter, then you don’t go on a second date. If they are offensive, you don’t go on a second date. But generally, you want to go on three dates because that’s when people start to drop their guards and they’re actually themselves.
Say it’s the third date and you are so confused and can’t figure out any of this body language business. What do you do?
Then you ask. At that point, what do you have to lose? At least you’ll get a straight answer. But you don’t have to be like, “Look, are you interested in me or no?” Don’t ask in a super direct, aggressive way. Just ask the question so that you can get information. It’s going to be like, “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. We’ve had three really fun dates, but I’m having a hard time reading you. Are you interested in me? Do you think that I’m the type of person who you can imagine continuing to date?”
To be honest, this all still sounds complicated.
I could talk for the next nine hours about this because every single bit of dating is a strategy. It’s awareness and it’s confident vulnerability and it’s purpose.
*Originally published by Men’s Health US
