If you grew up thinking sex was as simple as sticking your D in, pumping a few times, and miraculously bringing both you and your partner to orgasm in a matter of seconds, we’re here to tell you: You’re wrong. But also, it’s not totally your fault. Many men primarily learn about sex from porn, says Rufus Spann, PhD, a sex therapist and founder of Libido Health, which tends to skimp on foreplay, or skip over it entirely.
But foreplay is important because it prepares people mentally, emotionally, and physically for the main sexual experience, he explains. On a physical level, foreplay usually causes increased blood flow to the penis, resulting in an erection. It also increases blood flow to the vagina, and especially the clitoris, increasing pleasure, lubrication, and sensitivity. Meanwhile, on a mental level, foreplay gets the brain all excited, releasing feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. And, on the all-important emotional level, it allows you and your partner to build up a sense of connection and intimacy, says Spann.
Now, it’s important to note that the word “foreplay” is actually kind of a misnomer, because it implies whatever comes next—if anything—is somehow better. “If we can move away from the idea that foreplay is the appetizer before penetrative sex, it widens its definition and becomes a lot more pleasurable for everyone involved,” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a sex and relationships therapist in New York. Essentially, you should think of foreplay as less of a “before” activity, and more of an integral addition to mind-blowing hookups, no matter the type of sex you’re having.
After all, for many women and people with vulvas, foreplay is actually the main event. Only 18 percent of women can orgasm from intercourse alone, per a 2018 study. For nearly 37 percent of women, clitoral stimulation is necessary to climax during sex, and another 36 percent say that, while clit stimulation might not be necessary, their orgasms feel better when it’s part of the process.
And you know what stimulates the clitoris? The sexual acts that typically fall under the “foreplay” category, like fingering and oral sex. In fact, they’re part of what’s called the “golden quartet of orgasm,” a.k.a. four sexual behaviours that are the strongest predictors of women’s orgasms. The biggest predictor was manual stimulation of genitals, a.k.a. fingering, followed by using a sex toy, then receiving oral sex, and finally, deep kissing.
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Notice how P-in-V penetration didn’t make the cut? Yeah, foreplay is really moreplay. Here’s how to make the most of it:
The Best Foreplay Tips
Whether you’re easing into intercourse, preparing for anal sex, or just want to enhance the hookups you’re having, we’ve got you covered. Read on for expert-recommended foreplay tips that’ll turn every romp into one worth remembering.
1. Rethink your definition of “foreplay.”
Here’s the thing about being “good in bed”—it’s about so much more than what you do in bed. “Foreplay starts the minute your last sexual encounter ends,” says Nicolle Dirksen, LPC, a sex and couples therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota. “This means we have to shift the way we think about foreplay. It’s not just some kissing and touching in bed for the few minutes leading up to penetration. It’s all of the flirting, stolen kisses, and booty pats in between.”
2. Sext throughout the day.
Fun fact: You don’t even have to be in the same room to start foreplay. Sending a little text like “Can’t wait to get naked with you tonight” builds anticipation, says Spann, which, consequently, builds arousal. (And if sending nudes turns you and your partner on, go ahead and swap sexy pics.)
Now, instead of thinking about your list of daily must-do’s, you’re thinking about what you want to do with your partner. “The body has to be willing and ready [for sex], and the way the body gets there is by the mind,” Spann says. “The anticipation gets us there.” Essentially, once you’re in a sexy state of mind, it’s easier to transition into the physical parts of foreplay. But before you get all hot and heavy…
3. Clean up your space.
Not to sound all parental, but having an untidy place—whether that’s your house, bedroom, car, etc.—can really put a damper on the sexual experience. “Make sure your place is clean,” says Spann. “The smell, the vibe… if we’re thinking about what makes somebody comfortable in an environment, that is important.” After all, comfort leads to relaxation, which leads to arousal.
Your space doesn’t have to be spotless, but get rid of anything obviously gross. Put dirty clothes in the hamper (and the hamper in your closet), wash your dishes, and throw away any trash.
Granted, this may not always be possible in the heat of the moment. “Sometimes, sex is sporadic, and we don’t have time for all of that,” Spann says. “But if you’re able to prepare for someone to come over, make sure the environment is welcome.” Pro tip: If you’re going out with the hopes of bringing someone back to yours, spend 10 minutes sprucing up your place before you leave. No matter how you end your night, at least you’ll be coming home to a clean room.
4. Eliminate distractions.
As you’re tidying up, nix any additional distractions that might take away from the sexual experience. “When we’re distracted, our brake system gets activated, which shuts off our ability to get turned on,” says Wright. “When we remove distractions as best we can, we eliminate factors that could stop us from getting turned on, which is the primary point of foreplay.”
So please, silence your notifications, turn off the TV, and put away any work so the mood isn’t broken by the ping of a text or a commercial about antifungal cream.
5. Play some music.
Selecting the right music can make or break just about any situation, and foreplay is no exception. In general, though, throwing on some tunes can help drown out distractions (most of which you eliminated above, right?) and keep the momentum going. Plus, music can help your space feel welcoming and create a relaxing vibe, says Spann.
Not sure if your partner wants a soundtrack for sex? All you have to do is ask. A casual question like “You okay if I play some music?” is a clear but simple way to show you care about your partner feeling comfortable in your space, says Spann. (Btw, you can also suggest playing music if that will help you feel comfortable in their space.)
While you generally can’t go wrong throwing on some classic ‘90s R&B, when it comes to choosing a genre, think about how you want to set the sexual scene. “Some people make playlists that transition from one mood and speed to another to guide their experience and transition to different types of touch and play,” says Chelsie Reed, PhD, a sex therapist in Chandler, Arizona.
Need inspo? We’ve got you covered.
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6. Take your time.
Many couples rush through foreplay, with the majority of people only spending about five to 10 minutes on it, according to a 2019 survey from Adam and Eve. Therein lies the (lack of) rub: Both men and women want foreplay to last longer—typically 15 to 20 minutes, per a 2004 study. And another study of Egyptian women found that 20.7 percent failed to achieve orgasm due to the short duration of foreplay.
“Slow it down, slow it down,” says Spann. “You might be horny and desiring penetration, but [one of the main] benefits of foreplay is that you actually get to take your time.” This can be particularly helpful for men who tend to ejaculate prematurely, he adds, since devoting more time to foreplay can help you extend the sexual experience.
You might think all you want to do is rip each other’s clothes off and get to thrusting, but try taking off one article of clothing at a time and exploring each other’s bodies as they’re revealed to you. “That allows you to enjoy touch and be connected to the person that you’re with,” says Spann.
Sure, there’s a certain value to a quickie when you’re truly strapped for time—but in any other scenario, it’s best to heed the old adage: Slow and steady wins the race.
7. Ask what turns your partner on.
When in doubt, just come right out and ask what your partner likes during foreplay. “Most [people] appreciate men who want to make sure they’re satisfied,” says Barbara Bartlik, MD, a professor of psychiatry at Cornell University. Communication is essential for good sex, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Being open and honest about your turn-ons and inviting your partner to do the same creates an erotic atmosphere that’s both sexy and trusting.
8. Don’t skimp on kissing.
“Women get their greatest erotic pleasure from frequent, passionate kissing,” says Patti Britton, PhD, clinical sexologist, and author of The Art of Sex Coaching: Expanding Your Practice. “If you get the sense that she’s starting to lose interest, kissing is always the best way to bring her back into it.” That said, kissing is enjoyable for everyone, regardless of gender, so why not keep up puckering up?
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Just remember that passionate kissing doesn’t always mean frantically swabbing your partner’s tonsils. Try to mix up your tongue play with the occasional closed-mouth kiss on their nose, eyes, and forehead.
9. Bring back dry humping.
Remember how thrilling dry humping was before the days of penetration? It’s actually just as hot—if not more so—as an adult, so consider adding it into your foreplay repertoire. “If dry humping is an accelerator for you (meaning it turns on your sexual activation system), dry hump away,” Wright says. “We want to give the body time to adjust to a space of activation and pleasure, so anything that turns on your sexual system and makes the blood flow to your genitals is good foreplay.”
10. Don’t forget eye contact.
We’re not talking about a gaping, goldfish stare here. But some sultry glances as your mouths meet or your fingers tease their waistband? Hot. “For some people, eye contact helps them feel connected—that connection is required to be turned on,” Wright explains.
Now, of course, everyone’s different, and some people might not be a fan of the lingering gaze. “Ask your partner what eye contact means to them and if it’s something that they want,” says Wright. “And if they don’t [want eye contact], it’s a great conversation starter around why. Getting to know your partner and having more ideas for foreplay? WIN WIN WIN WIN.”
11. Use visual aids.
If you’re having a hard time staying in the moment, Wright says leaning into your sense of sight could help you/your partner(s) get aroused. “Everyone has different sexual accelerators (aka turn-ons) which help them get ‘in the mood,’” she explains. “Engaging the senses can work for many people in different ways.” That’s why Wright suggests watching something sexy like (ethical) porn or an arousing movie to quiet your overthinking mind and get the juices flowing.
If visuals aren’t for you, she adds that audio porn (like Dipsea Stories) also works well. Turn down the lights, crank the volume, and see where the dirty narrative takes you…
12. Masturbate together.
Before touching each other, try touching yourselves, together. “Showing your partner how to touch you/what feels good is sexy in itself,” says Wright. “Then add in the actual pleasure you’re giving yourself, and you have a very good foreplay session.” Also, watching your partner masturbate, and feeling their eyes on you, gives an element of voyeurism/exhibitionism that ups the erotic element. Think of it as a very sexy, very adult round of show and tell.
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13. Use a mirror.
Similar to mutual masturbation, using a mirror to watch yourself and your partner is another solid option for anyone who gets turned on by visuals. “It can be incredibly hot to watch your partner touch your body (or vice versa) in a mirror,” says Wright. “It’s like watching your own porn.”
Since some people might not be into the whole “reflective sex” thing, you’ll want to talk over the idea before dragging in your floor-length mirror. But if everyone’s game, position yourselves to where all can see the action. Watch them give you oral sex, let them watch you stroke their nipples, hell, you could just massage each other and it’ll still be the hottest live show you’ve ever seen.
14. Grab some lube.
Lube isn’t just good for anal or intercourse, says Reed; it can actually be used for all types of sexual touch. The slickness helps reduce the risk of chafing, and the silkiness makes skin-to-skin contact feel far more sensual. Try using a variety of lubricants—including warming lubes—to see what you like best.
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Just make sure to avoid silicone lube if you’re incorporating silicone toys since it can actually break down your playthings. When in doubt, water-based lubes are usually your best bet.
15. Try body mapping.
Most folks have areas on their bodies that they love to be touched (like the scalp, neck, and booty) while other spots cause a negative reaction. This could be the stomach, the arch of the foot, the hip—whatever! It’s simply an area that immediately pulls them out of the moment and turns them off.
To figure out where the feel-good and feel-bad spots on your (or your partner’s) body are, Reed suggests giving body mapping a shot. Basically, you take your time touching every.single.area. and write down/discuss whether or not you like the stimulation. Then, you literally have a treasure map to pleasure that leads you/your partner(s) to the most sensual experience ever without ever touching their turnoff spots. The act of caressing their body as you map is sultry in itself, so even the exploratory phase counts as serious foreplay.
16. Give an erotic massage.
With your body map as your guide, you can give your partner an erotic massage that both relaxes and teases them. Whip out the massage oil, and start with the non-erogenous zones, such as the arms, legs, and back, first. This will relax their muscles, which will help them feel more comfortable for you to move on to *sexier* areas. When they tell you they’re ready, that’s when you start massaging those special bits.
17. Play a sexy game.
There are tons of sex games out there, and incorporating one into your foreplay is a fun and easy way to mix things up. “Playing a sexy game as foreplay is great because it typically engages all of the senses and (if it’s a good game) immerses you into a new world,” says Wright. “Doing things that stimulate all of your senses and refocus your cognitive brain into a container is a great foreplay activity.”
Plus, games are a solid foreplay tool because they have specific rules and guidelines you have to focus on, Wright says. This means all the stuff you’ve been carrying around about work or family or whatever—the stuff that makes sex less sensual and more robotic—has to be put on hold in exchange for stripping down after losing a hand of hold ’em.
18. Incorporate role-play.
If you or your partner(s) just can’t get in the moment, role-play might be a worth a try. “Role-play can be good if you’re stressed and want to get away from your norm,” Reed says. “It can be as simple as talking or wearing a costume, but it can also be as complicated as taking on full characters that interact differently than you do normally.”
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Since the point of role-playing is to become other people, it’s sometimes easier to get out of your own head to experience pleasure when you’re pretending to be an ER doctor with a thing for nurses. To really extend things, your characters can meet up at a bar or go to dinner as an act of foreplay. The banter, mannerisms, and different appearances will make you want to skip dessert to get it on in the bathroom (but uh, don’t, because public sex is illegal).
19. Add some temperature play into the mix.
Temperature play can help you literally turn up the heat with foreplay. For example, you might light a candle that liquifies into massage oil and then pour the warm oil onto your partner’s back before giving them the aforementioned erotic massage. Or, you could try a warming lube or sex toy, says Spann.
But temp play isn’t just about getting hot and heavy—you can use heat or cold to experience new sensations during a sexual experience. For example, some people love how it feels having an ice cube gently rubbed around their aerolas, Spann says.
This type of play is also a beginner-friendly way to experiment with kink and BDSM. “Some people do like the feeling of warm [candle] wax on their body,” says Spann, “but that might get into a little bit more of the kinkier [area].” The risk here is accidentally burning yourself or your partner, so if this is your first time trying temperature play, it’s best to start with a body-safe massage oil candle.
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17. Get wet together.
Shower sex? Meh. Shower foreplay? Now that’s what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever attempted to have sex in the shower, or in any body of water, you’ll know that it’s nearly impossible to thrust while your body is submerged in liquid. But that’s not a problem with foreplay.
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“A warm shower helps to relax our muscles,” says Spann, which can increase blood flow to different parts of the body, including the genitals. Showering together also creates an overall sensory experience, he adds. You’re feeling water running over your body, you’re smelling the soap as you wash each other, you’re touching each other with lips, hands, maybe even a waterproof toy.
Plus, it’s an easy way to extend foreplay (which, remember, is what you both secretly want). After you finish showering, you can rub lotion or body oil on each other, says Spann. This creates a natural opening to touch each other’s genitals, kiss, and engage in oral sex. “Now, you’ve gone from just a typical 10 minutes [of foreplay] to maybe 30 minutes or more,” he says.
18. Focus on enjoying all of this good pleasure, pal.
People get turned on by knowing their partner is having fun, too. That’s what makes sex, in all its forms, so hot. “If you act as if you’re just going through the motions to get to [intercourse], [they’re] going to notice, and it will take longer for [them] to get excited,” says Michael Perry, PhD, a sex therapist in Encino, California.
In other words, get into all your moreplay activities, and enjoy them while you’re doing them. If you like how your partner’s calves feel, stroke them in appreciation. If you like their butt, kiss it. “When a man is loving what he’s doing, it’s going to show through and turn [them] on, too,” says Perry.
19. Take it easy at first.
No matter your partner’s genitals, it’s important to start off slowly and gently. This is especially true if there is a clitoris involved. As wonderful as the clit is, it can be easily overstimulated if you rush right to it. “Direct stimulation of the clitoris can actually be painful,” says Cathy Winks, author of The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot. “It’s much better to rub the clitoral hood [where the tops of the labia meet] or to rub along the side of the clitoris than it is to go straight for the head of it.”
When playing with the clitoris during oral sex, Winks’ advice is to take the focus on and off that super-sensitive area. “The clitoris reacts best to being teased, so you want to lick it and suck on it a little, build a little tension, then back off on it a bit before going at it again,” she adds.
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When it comes to penises, going right for it might not cause pain, but it will certainly cause increased pleasure if you take your time getting to oral or hand sex. Slow down, bucko. We’re all here to have a good time.
20. Explore their entire body.
Don’t just zero in on your partner’s genitals. The body is filled with erogenous zones like the neck, thighs and breasts.
“Foreplay is about enjoying the journey and unlocking new levels of pleasure along the way. Have fun by not taking yourself too seriously along the way. Vulnerability helps build intimacy with anyone, not just lovers,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex, polyamorous educator and activist and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide, a nonprofit organiSation advocating for the rights and safety of sex workers.
21. Try a vibrator.
A vibrator buzzing around your partner’s erogenous zones can be just as stimulating, if not more, than using your hands alone. Bring one in for the assist during foreplay, touching your partner everywhere.
If your partner has a vulva, they might already have a vibrator that they like to use during solo play, and if they do, ask them to break it out. If not, our friends at Women’s Health recommend trying the beginner-friendly Maude Vibe, which can be used to stimulate both the lambia and the clitoris.
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You can also use this cone-shaped vibrator on balls, the tip of the penis, and on the perineum. Vibrators are for all body parts. If your partner has a prostate, you can get a vibrating prostate massager that can really take things to the next level.
22. Get good at talking dirty.
Dirty talk is super hot. Here’s a guide to doing it well, including specific scripts to help you get the ball rolling.
“If you want to get [them] hot and bothered, brush your lips against [their] ear and whisper what you want to do to [them],” says Ryn Pfeuffer, sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating. “Be slow, deliberate, and as dirty as possible, and I pinky swear promise, I’m all yours. Work in some stealth eye contact, and OH MY GAWD.”
23. Check in with your partner regularly.
Check in every so often to be sure you’re both having fun and feel safe. Everybody is different, so make sure you’re able to read how they respond to what you’re doing. It shouldn’t be hard to tell what’s working, and to then use this information to keep a good thing going.
“If [they] wince when you talk dirty, move onto your next play,” says relationship expert April Masini. “Or if [they’re] really into making out on the sofa, don’t try to move it to the bedroom.” Enthusiastic consent and full-on enjoyment are a must for everyone.
24. Pay attention to how you feel.
If you’re worried about getting off too early during intercourse, try becoming more aware of your pre-orgasmic sensations. Most men and penis-owners only recognize that last, no-turning-back, feeling that occurs just before ejaculation, says David Copeland, author of How to Succeed with Women. By then it’s too late to do anything about it. Try to become familiar with the two or three more subtle sensations that precede that one, so that you can slow down at the right time.
When it comes to your emotions, listen to them closely. Don’t forget to communicate and advocate for yourself. Remember, we’re all here to enjoy each other’s bodies and have lots of pleasure. If something is making you feel uncomfortable or strange, stop what you’re doing and take a beat. You can simply say, “Babe, I’m feeling a little strange. Can we just cuddle for a while?”
25. Use words of encouragement.
When your partner takes on the role of initiator (and you’re into it), be sure to let them know how turned on that makes you. We all can use some words of affirmation here and there. When we know we’re going to be met with praise, we’re more likely to initiate in the future.
Tell them how you loved how they got things going and how you’d love them to do that more in the future. When we feel rejected, we get a message that it’s unsafe or wrong to initiate sex, so letting your partner know it was awesome will encourage them. It improves sexual self-esteem, which is very necessary for everyone to have an orgasm.
26. Share your wildest fantasies.
In the immortal words of Prince, “Foreplay starts in the mind.” That’s why Nicolle Dirksen, a sex and couples therapist and clinic owner at Clover Counseling, highly recommends talking about your latest fantasies—and encouraging your partner to do the same.
“Have a super hot dream last night or see an especially steamy sex scene in that show and just can’t stop thinking about it? Tell your partner about it, and be detailed,” Dirksen says. “Tell them what specifically about it turned you on so much and how you might like to recreate it together.”
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It might feel a little vulnerable to have this convo at first, but Dirksen says the payoff is well worth it: You might get such a rush from boldly sharing your desires that you and your partner will find yourselves raring to go.
27. Keep the foreplay going all the way to the finish line.
While the term “foreplay” implies that it’s only something that happens before sex, Dirksen argues that the best kind is ongoing. Just because you’ve moved on to the penetration part doesn’t mean the foreplay has to fall by the wayside. Whispering something dirty in their ear, lightly pulling their hair, reaching around to stimulate their clitoris, caressing their neck or their chest—these little acts can go a long way in making the sex way hotter.
When It’s Okay to Skip Foreplay
You can go from zero to 60 (a.k.a. full-on penetration), if both your engines are already revved. Sex is a co-created experience, and you can choose your own adventure.
That said, skipping foreplay is generally easier to do (and still get good results) with a long-term partner than a first-time hookup. “When you’ve been creating a larger sexual context in your relationship, you’re basically operating in that [state of foreplay] all the time,” says psychologist and relationship therapist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “If you’ve been together for a while, you should know them well enough to know when it’s okay to jump straight to the main event.”
A Final Word on Foreplay
Whether you go all out with accents and role-play or you simply concentrate a little more on erogenous zones, upping your foreplay game is only going to help you with every type of sexual interaction you have moving forward. “The build-up of arousal is a huge determinant in the overall height of the sensory experience,” says Reed. So go on, get a little more outta your foreplay.
This article by Gigi Engle, Rebecca Strong, Cori Ritchey, C.S.C.S. was originally published on Men’s Health US
