Back in the mid-1990s in Chicago, an old friend was getting married. Let’s call him “Jim” (because that’s his name). I was invited to the bachelor party, and there were strippers. At some point, the strippers pulled the groom-to-be onto the stage and pulled down his pants. Just some standard bachelor party hazing. We, his guy friends, hooted and laughed… and then we caught a glimpse of our friend’s penis.
You could have heard a pin drop. We stared unblinking, jaws agape, at Jim’s nether region, all wondering more or less the same thing: That’s not it, is it?
According to Dr. Leo Doumanian, a reconstruction surgeon at the USC Institute of Urology, a micropenis is “a 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean size of the adult human penis. If you are an adult and your erection is 5 centimetres, you qualify for a micropenis.”
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Dr. Doumanian claims that only 0.6 to 1% of the male population have micropenises. Which seems like a tiny number of people, until you realise it’s 1.5 million guys in the US alone.
It’s been ten years since I’ve even talked to Jim. I haven’t thought about him and his penis in years (which, really, is what you want in a guy friend.) But I’m suddenly compelled to call him out of the blue and ask the questions I never did back in our 20s.
The Jim I remember was a stark contrast to the current conventional wisdom about micropenises. Yes, he had a penis that could be easily mistaken for a clitoris. But he also had a series of increasingly hot girlfriends.
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And the woman he married—the reason for the bachelor party in which his diminutive manhood was exposed to all his guy friends—was staggeringly beautiful. She’s an actress, and once got hired on a movie as Gina Gershon’s stand-in.
There were several toasts at the wedding reception where Jim’s male friends asked, “I don’t know how you tricked her into marrying you, especially with such a tiny dick.”
The crowd laughed, assuming it was a joke, but a minority of us—those who had seen with our own eyes exactly how tiny it actually was—were genuinely curious. How does a guy who’s hung like a hamster bag a bombshell?
The first order of business was making sure Jim did indeed have a micropenis. He wrote me an email with the details: 7 centimetres while erect. So, not exactly a micropenis, but close enough for our purposes.
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“I’m actually not lacking in girth whatsoever,” he wrote in the email. “The circumference of my penis is perfectly average. It’s length-wise that I’m challenged. And I’m pretty sure I’m on the large size of the micro community.”
When he was ready to talk, I called him in Los Angeles—where he works as a writer and filmmaker—and asked what he knows that the rest of us don’t.
Do Your Homework
“Orally pleasuring a partner is grade school,” Jim says. “When you can’t rely on what God gave you to hit the spot, you are morally and ethically obligated to hit the spot by any means necessary.”
That means becoming a sort of Obi-Wan Kenobi for vaginas.
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“You have to become an adept at the sexual arts and a laboratory scientist of the female anatomy,” he says. “You learn erogenous zones, secret lady glands, ancient Oriental techniques. As a micropenised, you have to be willing to be anything goes sexually. Leave your hang ups at the door.”
Focus on Your Short Game
Jim points out that lesbian couples are able to sexually satisfy each other and “they don’t have large ropy penises. I’m not saying the wife and I technically trib, but the first inch to two inches of a vagina are the most sensitive, so I’m hitting a sweet spot just by being me.”
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Certain positions work better, he says, and some don’t work at all. “But with love and openness, experiment and a special pillow designed for the purpose, we do alright.”
Have Confidence, Not “Cockfidence”
“I’ve heard the ladies in my life complain time and again about lousy lovers with monster wangs, who think their over-sized junk is enough,” he says. “I call it cockfidence. The swinging weiner between their legs gives them swagger, and they start to think it’s all that matters.”
When a guy can’t hide behind his penis to get attention, he needs to build self-confidence based on something besides genitals.
Related: Here’s Why You Should Stop Worrying About What Your Penis Looks Like
“In spite of being under-endowed, I’m a fairly confident guy,” Jim says. “Being able to make a woman laugh can go a long way. Or know how to really talk to them and engage with them and listen to them. You need some scaffolding to hold up your ego that isn’t a cock.”
