We have countless expectations about how sex should go down swirling around in our unconscious minds every time we do it. Then there’s the current spate of online sex advice that seems logical at first glance, but on closer inspection is actually pretty damn harmful. Add them together and you’ve got a ton of mixed, outdated or just plain wrong messages that can mess with your pleasure without you even realising it.
Here, Dr Ben Davis, a GP specialising in men’s health and a psychosexual and relationship therapist at Central Health London, uncovers seven seemingly helpful habits that could be hindering your sex life.
Monitoring Your Erection
If you keep close tabs on your erection during sex, you’re not the only one. Dr Davis says a lot of guys ‘monitor’ their erections by going to the toilet or mentally checking in to make sure it’s ‘hard enough’. ‘There’s often the sense of, “I should, as a man, be able to get an erection whenever sex is presented to me.” This can be really harmful,’ Dr Davis explains.
That’s your critical voice talking. Listen to it, and sex can become so focused on your erection that your mind gets stuck in a negative loop of anxiety. ‘Anxiety kills arousal and erections because it leads to more adrenaline and cortisol. The more you accept it’s natural for erections to come and go, the more relaxed and focused on pleasure you can be,’ he adds.
When you notice that you’re monitoring, bring your mind back to the sensations and tune in to what you’re feeling. And if your erection gets a bit shy? Forget what your critical voice tells you about being a failure. Maybe the sex just wasn’t working for you. Plus, it happens to everyone at some point, so really it’s no biggie.
Prioritising Your Partner’s Pleasure
Making sure your partner has a good time during sex is just good manners. But don’t forget that what feels good for you is important, too. To start prioritising your pleasure alongside your partner’s, you’re going to have to get talking. ‘It’s okay for a man to ask what turns a woman on, but it almost feels not okay for a man to share what turns him on. A lot of men feel that masculine sexuality is problematic or not acceptable, which makes them hesitant to share. But it’s really powerful to be confident and share with your partner what actually turns you on,’ Dr Davis explains.
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‘What I find in sex therapy is that a lot of female partners want their male partners to be more expressive, and for their sexual self to come out. Playing with power, the forbidden and masculine dominance can be a really great part of sex if it’s done right with communication and consent,’ he adds.
Guessing What Your Partner Likes in Bed
If you’re a 10/10 lover, you should automatically know what your partner likes, right? Not so much, says Dr Davis. ‘We often believe that when we find the “right person”, we’ll meet each other’s needs without having to communicate because it’ll just flow and be intuitive. That’s a nice fantasy, but it’s not reality for most people.’
Great lovers are those who can communicate openly, remain curious about their partner’s desires and are willing to grow sexually, rather than thinking they’ve got it all figured out. Asking your partner what they’d like you to do, or how to touch them, is not a sign of weakness or being bad at sex. ‘It takes courage to talk about sex, overcome shame and be vulnerable,’ Dr Davis adds. At the end of the day, vulnerability leads to better emotional connection, personal sexual growth and, as a result, better sex.
Waiting for Sex to Happen Spontaneously
Have you ever found yourself waiting for the mood to take you or your partner, then feeling frustrated that you’re not having sex that often? Most of us don’t have the schedule, energy or type of sexual desire that allows us to have spontaneous sex all the time. That’s perfectly normal, and scheduling sex is a great way to work with what you have.
Rather than waiting for sexual inspiration to strike, get your calendars out. Set aside a few hours each week, or however often you want, to focus on low-pressure sensuality and connection with your partner.
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‘Some people call it “couple time” or “touch time”,’ explains Dr Davis. ‘You can try sensate focus (where you tune into each of your five senses in turn while touching or being touched), or writing your desires on a little piece of paper, putting them in a jar and picking one to try together.’ The desires don’t have to be ‘full sex’. In fact, the lower the stakes, the better. ‘It might be something like having a shower together, or giving a massage.’
‘Saving’ Yourself for Partnered Sex
The idea that avoiding masturbation and porn can help solve problems during partnered sex – sometimes referred to as NoFap – is an oldie, but it’s not a goodie.
‘Loads of men believe that if they don’t masturbate or watch porn, their sexual problems [such as unreliable erections or a lack of pleasure during partnered sex] will improve,’ explains Dr Davis.
It’s rarely that simple. Struggling to have, or not enjoying, partnered sex often has nothing to do with porn and masturbation. ‘It’s got to do with couple dynamics, fear, performance anxiety, shame, not feeling good enough, your internal critic, not doing things which feel good, not communicating about sex with your partner, or criticism from your partner,’ Dr Davis says.
Stopping masturbation isn’t going to address any of those problems. ‘Masturbation and porn can be a really healthy outlet for understanding your sexual self and letting go of tension and stress,’ he adds. Instead of saving yourself for partnered sex, try to understand why sex isn’t enjoyable or has become stressful, then address that head-on.
Taking Full Responsibility for Sex
We’re sure you know deep down that it isn’t all on you to manage every sexual experience you have with a partner. Yet many men feel intense pressure to take a sexual role that Dr Davis calls ‘the masculine holder’.
‘This is the belief that as a man, you’re responsible for it all. You’ve got to be in control, be perfect and not show any vulnerability,’ he explains. ‘Actually, a lot of men underestimate the impact that their partner has on the sexual experience. Ask yourself how your partner is, do they come with criticism or support, what’s their sexual self like, how comfortable are they with sex? Some men don’t think of that at all.’
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Try to take a step back as a sexual project manager, take the pressure off yourself and see what happens. Know that you can enjoy being in your masculine energy without needing to control the outcome.
Taking Viagra ‘Just in Case’
For anyone who’s experienced unreliable erections, Viagra can be a silver bullet, physically. But it might not always solve the root cause. ‘Often men get into a loop of worry that something isn’t going to go right, and then you’re putting yourself in fear before you’ve even begun,’ Dr Davis explains. ‘This performance anxiety loop can mean many guys pop a Viagra just in case they can’t get an erection – which can set up a worsening cycle.’
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Although taking a cheeky erection pill before sex may seem like an efficient workaround for avoiding potential shame or awkwardness, it reinforces the idea that not being hard would be a total disaster. But as Dr Davis points out, most female partners say they enjoy sex that doesn’t always involve penetration. Also, trying to work out when to take Viagra, then stopping sex mid-flow to do so, pulls you out of the moment and kills spontaneity.
The fix? Try to ditch the ‘just in case’ Viagra and only take it when you need to.
This article by Paisley Gilmour was published on Men’s Health UK
