A blowjob doesn’t have to be a job for her. “The more comfortable and pleasing you make it for her, the more enthusiastic she’ll be about doing it more often,” says sex and marriage therapist Moushumi Ghose.
That being said, some women simply aren’t down with going down. If that’s the case, try to find out why—and if there’s anything you can do to make it better for her. If she’s still not on board, know that she’s not obligated to give oral sex.
Otherwise, consider these rules for fellatio etiquette.
DON’T . . .
Pressure her: Guilt-tripping your gal into giving head will only succeed in making her resentful. Instead, stick to telling her how much you love her blowjobs and letting her decide if she wants to take a trip downtown, Ghose says.
Manhandle her head: Pushing her head down onto your penis while she’s giving oral can strain her neck and make it hard to breath. “Let her lead and control the depth and rhythm,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D., a sexologist who teaches in-home Fellatio 101 classes. This will work in your favour: Some women are turned on by giving head because it puts them in control.
Bark orders: Commands like “deeper” or “slow down” can come off as criticism. And surely you’d never want to criticize a woman who’s giving you a freaking blowjob! Giving guidance can be a good thing, though, if you phrase your requests in a positive way, says Ghose. As in: “It’s so hot when you use your tongue on me, baby.”
Leave her hanging: You’re fully satisfied after your orgasm, but she’s probably not—so don’t just zip up your pants and get on with your day. Let her know that her turn is next, even if it’s not right this second, Ghose says. Say: “I’m so relaxed right now and I really want to focus on you next. Give me a few minutes or an hour.” Just make sure she knows this isn’t the end.
Rave about it: Women love to know that they’re driving their guys wild, so don’t forget to speak up. “The more you moan and tell her, ‘That feels so great,’ ‘You look so sexy right now,’ or ‘You are so good at this,’ the more into it she’ll be,” Ghose says. On the other hand, if you lay there silently, she may feel insecure and wonder if she’s doing it right.
Make her comfortable: The more physically comfortable a woman is during the act, the longer she can stick with it. So be considerate of how she’s situated down there. “If she’s on her knees, give her a pillow to kneel on, or move to the bed,” says Ghose. “Hold her hair back if it’s getting in her mouth. Switch up positions so she doesn’t get a kink in her neck.”
Tidy up downstairs: Be aware of your personal hygiene before unzipping. If you’ve just worked out (or had a particularly sweaty day), a quick shower would be the polite thing to do. “Just remember, the more pleasant the aroma, the better,” says Ghose.
A little manscaping can go a long way, too. Men who go hairless actually get more head, research from Indiana University finds. You don’t have to be completely bare, but try trimming your pubes down to give her more access and prevent her from catching any curlies in her teeth.
Negotiate the exit strategy: Despite what you see in porn, many women do not enjoy swallowing or taking cum shots to the face. To make sure your big finish is as fun for her as the rest of the experience, give her a heads up before ejaculating and ask her where you can come, says McDevitt.