Mike Darling, Julie Stewart and Laura Tedesco
Bringing heat to the bedroom is as much about your words as your actions. Before you turn the lights down, consult the last crib sheet you’ll ever need.
Life doesn’t get much better than when a naked, satisfied woman is sleeping in your bed. “Men think sex was great if they had an orgasm and their partner seemed happy,” says MH sex advisor Debby Herbenick. But women set the bar much higher. “For us, great sex means it felt good, it didn’t hurt, you cared about our orgasm, and we felt a connection to you,” she says. Big difference, right? So we asked our trusted sexperts for their favorite intimacy-boosting strategies. Start here for a night neither of you will ever forget.
Give Boring The Finger
The more sensation the better, of course. “A few of my bisexual women friends told me that they were shocked by how few straight men used their fingers when giving oral,” says sociologist Jennifer Gunsaullus. Stroke the vulva, tease the entrance to her vagina, slip your fingers inside, and touch her G-spot, all while working on her clitoral area with your mouth.
“You don’t appreciate me enough.”
Share your origin story. When a friend asks, “How’d you meet?” be quick to jump in. “Hearing your mate reflect on what it was like to meet you can be very intimate,” says James Cordova, a psychology professor at Clark University. So be honest and end on a high note – say, by describing the exact moment you knew
“How does this dress look on me?”
Yes, she’s fishing for a compliment, says Paul Hokemeyer, a therapist based in New York. “Respond by elaborating on the truth.” Tell her how great she looks, and then share it on Instagram and Facebook. Think to-the-point praise (“My girlfriend. Yeah, she’s superhot”) or even selfdeprecating hashtags (#IamNotWorthy).
Kiss Her. Just Because
If you kiss or cuddle her only as a precursor to sex, she’ll see these displays as tools you’re using to seduce her, explains Donald Strassberg, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Utah. And she may be right. “For many women, and even many men, it’s important that demonstrations of affection not be limited to foreplay,” he adds. So linger on that goodbye kiss in the morning or that neck massage while she’s driving. Bonus points for post-boink, pre-snoring affection – it gives you a unique opportunity to shore up your bond with her. In a Canadian study, partners who spent more time kissing, cuddling and talking after a romp reported greater satisfaction in the sack and with their relationship overall.
Stream Porn She’ll Actually Like
Redefine what you consider a chick flick: studios such as Dane Jones (billed as “sensually explicit creative erotica”) and Nubile Films (“capturing the essence of sensuality”) are changing porn for the better with videos that emphasize intimate acts of foreplay and teasing, says Herbenick. And unlike old-school videos, they depict typical-looking women actually enjoying consensual, healthy sex with their partners. MakeLoveNotPorn is another great, couples-friendly resource.
Take It Out Of Fifth Gear
“I can’t emphasize this point enough,” says Gunsaullus. “Women take a much longer time than men do – up to 20 minutes – to generate enough bloodflow to their genitals and produce enough lubrication for sex to feel pleasurable.” So if you’re touching her clitoris in any way, busting out a new sex toy, stroking her G-spot, or inserting a finger anywhere before she’s ready for it, you’re just grinding her gears. “Women aren’t able to experience the full potential of pleasure if you move too quickly – in fact, it could actually be painful,” says Gunsaullus.
Be A Clitoral Connoisseur
Most guys know the little nubbin above her vagina, but much more lies beneath the surface. “The clitoris is huge,” says urogynecologist Dr Rachel Pauls. It’s 7.5cm to 10cm long and arcs like a wishbone underneath the lips. Spread the love: gently rub around her clitoris and press lightly on her labia. You’re doing it right if her skin swells and turns red. Then tease the nub. When you’re ready to enter, aim for the front wall of her vagina where the top of her clitoris lies. (Some researchers believe the famed G-spot is actually the top of the hidden clitoris.) Doggy-style sex can help you reach it. If you prefer missionary, elevate her butt on a pillow – your pelvises will rub together to stimulate the gland gently from the outside as you tickle it inside.
“C’mon, lighten up a little.”
That’s her way of saying you’re being too polite. So tease her, but in a nonhostile way – especially when you’re just dating. For instance, inject playful innuendo (“Can you stop checking out my ass? I’m not a piece of meat!”). That’s called affiliative, or bonding, humour, the kind linked to romantic happiness, says clinical psychologist Sara Caird.
“I’m so tired of arguing all the time.”
Talk it out immediately. But when you start feeling flooded, say you need a break – even if that means sleeping on it and reengaging in the morning, says Cordova. “You have to negotiate the things about each other that you find challenging. That way you’ll both feel comfortable being totally authentic, allowing your relationship to evolve.”
Add 10 Minutes To The Act
Lasting longer sounds like a promise you’d find in your spam folder, but one product actually works, says Laura Berman, the author of Real Sex for Real Women. Promescent is a topical medication (R690, 1.3ml, takealot. com) that desensitizes the nerves, helping prevent premature ejaculation. Apply it to your penis 10 minutes before sex.
Bring Up The Rear
More women than ever are saying that they’ve enjoyed anal sex, says Berman. And here’s another reason to make anal your ally: a recent study by Herbenick found that 94% of women who’d had anal sex during their last encounter reached orgasm. What’s more, that number was higher than orgasm rates reported by women who’d had vaginal or oral sex (but no backdoor blitz). If you’re certain your partner is up for it, Berman says, just remember these two key pieces of advice: Take it very slow the first time, and use plenty of lube. Try Johnson & Johnson K-Y Gel Personal Lubricant (R46, Clicks).
Simultaneous orgasms are about as rare as snow leopard sightings. But they’re worth pursuing. “Experiencing that pleasure, where you both lose control at the same time, actually builds up bonding hormones such as oxytocin and prolactin,” says women’s health expert Dr Christiane Northrup. To save your O until she’s ready for it, use your breath wisely. Just when you’re on the edge, slow down and take two or three deep breaths. As you exhale, squeeze your pubococcygeus muscle (the one you’d use to stop urine flow). This will bring you back from the precipice – otherwise, you may tense up and ejaculate, says Northrup. Practise when you masturbate – aim to bring your arousal from a 9.5 down to a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, she suggests.
Bring The Gym To Your Bedroom
One thing worth trying: Pilates. Exercises that strengthen your lower abs translate to greater thrust. And if she joins you, even better: lower-ab strength helps her grip your penis harder and experience more-intense orgasms, says Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington. Make it a daily session. New research from the University of Mississippi showed that for every 30-minute increase in moderate to vigorous physical activity per day, men were 43% less likely to have erectile dysfunction. If workouts shred your gut, even better. In a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, men who shed 5cm from their waist raised testosterone levels by an average of 58 ng/dl. (Normal T levels range from 300 to 1 000 ng/dl.)
Be A Tease
You love it when she makes a beeline for your package, right? Well, she doesn’t want the same directness. So start by massaging her neck, shoulders, and back, suggests Northrup. Then kiss her neck and earlobes while stroking her chest, stomach, and inner thighs. Do this for 30 minutes – or until she’s begging for sex. It pays off in the long term: one Canadian study linked caressing to better sexual satisfaction and a stronger relationship.
Make A Sex Date
Sure, spur-of-the-moment nookie is hot. However, it’s a myth that sex should always be spontaneous, says Rachel Needle of the Centre for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. “Life is busy, and things can prevent you from being physically intimate with your partner,” says Needle. “Planning ahead can build anticipation and excitement.” Save your sex session on a shared calendar – bonus points if you label it with something that harkens back to one of your hottest previous romps. Then, as the time approaches, amp up the excitement with texts. “Start subtle with something like ‘I can’t wait to spend time with you later…’ and build up,” says Needle. Progress to something like “I’ll be home at 7:30. Will you be naked?”
Turn Fantasies Into Non-Fiction
Time to tell her about your BJ fixation. “Assuming that your partner should just ‘know’ what you prefer sexually is a lovely romantic idea that just happens to be ridiculous,” says Strassberg. In fact, simply asking her what she wants in bed could turn her on more than ever. Need some conversation starters? A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 82% of women fantasize about having sex in an unusual place; just over half have fantasized about being tied up during sex, while 42% have thought about tying up their partner. Thirty-two percent have fantasized about being photographed or filmed during sex. Invest in a smartphone tripod.
Praise Her Like A Man
One of Gunsaullus’s clients recently described how a former flame would complement her curves, strength and sexual response – all that her body had to offer. “He loved her lower back and the ‘decadent’ way it curved into her ass. He loved touching, licking and resting his head there, and he named it ‘The Courtyard.’” Her confidence soared, and with it so did her libido. Get the message?
Share Your Toys
Play nice with her. New research from Canada shows that using the We-Vibe (R2 774, matildas.co.za), a vibrator designed for use by both partners during sex, helps men feel more intense penile sensations and a greater sense of intimacy. Here’s how to use it: she inserts one side into her vagina. It has a vibrating motor inside that you’ll feel with your penis, plus a motor outside that rests on her clitoris. Then have at it. Add lube if you need to, and try all your favourite positions – the toy is designed to stay put, says study author Erin Watson. Its C shape enables other creative deployments – for instance, it could be handheld during massage or wrapped around your penis during oral or a hand job, says Watson. Toys make great gifts, right?
“I need to know more about what you like and dislike.”
Share your Showmax queues. Don’t freak: this isn’t the stuff Ed Snowden warned about. For couples, sharing is all upside. It’s a subtle way of conveying commitment: it says, “I trust you enough to reveal my daily life,” says Timothy Loving, a psychologist at the University of Texas.
“I’m not sure where this is going.”
Plan ahead… way ahead. Preempt this conversation by filling your calendar with fun stuff you like to do together, says DeAnna Lorraine, an LA-based relationship coach. Enthusiasm is key. If you’re just casual, keep the talk light: make it a game (“If we were to pick up and go on vacation right now, where would we go?”)
“We used to have more fun.”
Inject the relationship with a shot of adrenaline. Plan side-by-side activities that let you two connect – say, a weekend whitewater rafting trip.