It’s not simply a classic movie or one-time word of the year. Gaslighting is a sobering phenomenon that can occur in many types of relationships—not just romantic ones. And if it happens to you, it can lead you to doubt yourself and act out of character. So what are some signs? And what should you do?
To find out, we talked to gaslighting expert Robin Stern, Ph.D., a licensed psychoanalyst and author of The Gaslight Effect and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide. So let’s go.
What Is Gaslighting?
We’re not talking about firing up your grill. And while the term can be overused or misused, gaslighting behaviour is serious.
Gaslighting is an “insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse repeated over time,” where the abuser leads the target to question their judgment, their reality, and in—extreme cases—their own sanity, says Stern, also the host of The Gaslight Effect Podcast and cofounder and senior advisor to the director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. In relationships between two people, the gaslighter can need to be right “to preserve their own sense of self in the moment, and to keep a sense of power in the relationship,” she says.
The term was popularised by the title of Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gaslight and its two subsequent film adaptations in the 1940s. (The American version starred Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, with Boyer’s character trying to convince his wife she’s going insane.)
Emotional or psychological abuse like gaslighting can cause long-term damage to a person’s mental health, including depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). And yes, men can experience abuse.
So how common is gaslighting? Since many people don’t know exactly what it is or how it manifests, prevalence can be hard to confirm. But the NCADV reports that 4 in 10 women, and 4 in 10 men, have experienced at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
READ MORE: 6 Signs That Show You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship
What Are the Stages of Gaslighting?
In a romantic relationship, a person’s gaslighting behaviour can start early, says Stern, noting three distinct stages.
Stage 1: Disbelief. On a first date, they might tell you something like: “You know you’re flirting with the bartender, right?” says Stern—maybe after you talked a little when ordering your tequila. You might think they sound silly or ridiculous, but you tell yourself it doesn’t matter, she says.
Stage 2: Defense. You notice more accusatory behaviors. Maybe they accuse you of stepping out, but you often can’t reach them. And when you ask where they are, they say things like, “Don’t be paranoid.” So you may start wondering if you are paranoid but try to defend yourself.
Stage 3: Depression. You’ve adapted to the gaslighter’s reality and may look at yourself as wrong, defective, or not good enough before you even hear their words, Stern explains. Maybe you no longer chat with bartenders to avoid being accused of flirting. Or maybe you don’t even go to the bar. In these cases, Stern says, people say this stage is “soul-destroying” or that they feel like a shell of themselves.
What Can You Do if You Think You’re Being Gaslighted?
Stern outlines more warning signs, including:
You’re constantly second-guessing yourself. You may question yourself multiple times daily.
You often question your reality, and feel confused or unstable.
You start lying or omitting the truth with your partner. Because you’re trying “to avoid the put downs and reality twists from your gaslighter.”
You frequently make excuses for your partner. You tell yourself they’re just tired or had a bad day. Again.
You find yourself constantly apologising. “I’m sorry” is your new catchphrase.
You try to please them over everything. You’re reluctant to cause additional drama.
You have difficulty making decisions. What should you actually do?
You isolate yourself from people. You may feel ashamed or think you’ll have less conflict this way. But, as Stern points out, “it’s often a third person who can wake you up to what’s going on.”
Note: Some of these signs could also occur with an anxiety disorder, low self-esteem, or depression. “The difference in gaslighting is that there is someone else—another person—that’s actively engaged in trying to undermine your reality,” says Stern, “To make you second-guess what you know is true.”
And here are some signs to look out for in a partner’s behavior:
They often criticise you. They say things like, “You’re really sensitive,” or “You’re so difficult,” Stern says. Or simply: “You’re being crazy.”
It’s hard to get straight answers to questions. And their answers can blame or accuse you. If you ask, “Where were you?” they might respond, “Are you getting paranoid?”
They threaten you with abandonment. They say things like, “If you keep going like this, no one will want to be with you.”
They deny what has happened. Or they might tell you they don’t remember, saying things like, “You’re just making stuff up” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” notes the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
They will also aim to trivialise your feelings. They say things like, “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
They encourage you to doubt your perceptions. If you say it’s A, they say it’s B. For instance, you might tell them that your mother is amazing. And they might respond, “You know your mother is a bitch, right? If you don’t know that, there’s something wrong with your thinking,” Stern says. (At this point, may we say, wow.)
READ MORE: Tempted to Text Your Ex? Here’s Some Advice from Relationship Experts
What Can You Do if You Think You’re Being Gaslighted?
You may be tempted to respond with logic or defend yourself. But gaslighters can behave this way to avoid accountability or avoid telling the truth. So Stern suggests that you “opt out of that conversation.”
You can say things like:
- “We’re going to have to agree to disagree.”
- “Things are heated now, so let’s revisit this at a different time.”
- Or simply, “No, that didn’t happen.”
You also can say something like: “I don’t want to continue this conversation. I’m going for a walk.” Taking space can help you recognise what they said isn’t true, Stern says.
If you’re not sure if they’re gaslighting you, Stern suggests writing down your conversations and noticing when conversations pivot in the direction of blaming or undermining you. If you think they’re gaslighting you inadvertently, you might share your notes and say you don’t like when these things happen, Stern says. But be prepared to remove yourself from gaslighting conversations.
Also know it may feel hard to talk about these issues if you feel ashamed, says Stern, noting men may be more alone with these feelings than women because they may not be used to sharing. “Social support is extremely important,” she says. “You need to gather your emotional and social and psychological resources to either stand up to your gaslighter or, certainly, to leave a gaslighting relationship,” she adds, with support potentially including a trusted friend or therapist.
READ MORE: How Happy Couples Tackle 3 of the Most Common Relationship Fights
And here we are at a potentially big step: Leaving. It’s not easy to end a gaslighting relationship, and doing so may take a few tries, says Stern. No matter what you decide, have patience and compassion with yourself, she says. If you leave, “make sure you are taking care of yourself,” she adds. “You need to get sleep. You need to turn your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. You need to make time for your friends.”
If you’re realizing you might have gaslighting tendencies, it’s good to have this self-awareness. So try to avoid hurting your partner, and work on trying to stop. Just as people can learn to gaslight, they can also learn to undo or stop that behavior, confirms Stern.
Gaslighters are not necessarily “bad people,” and they may not consciously realize what they’re doing, notes Stern. But—no matter what—you’ve got to look out for yourself.
From: Men’s Health US
